you know this was suppose to be a happy pappy sappy wtv post.
i wanted to blog about my outdated trip to sarawak and cny.
but now im just so stressed out that this post is going to turn into some rant post.
honestly, i've been so stressed out trying to find a way to further my education till i dont even feel like studying anymore.
why is it so hard for me to WANT TO CONTINUE STUDYING?
im not gonna say i've been doing everything i can but im not slacking either!
everything just doesnt seem to be going the way i want it to be right now.
some people have it the easy way.
they get to study anywhere and anything they want.
all they had to do was to pop out of their mother's vagina.
its their luck i guess. karma perhaps? lol

why is it so hard for me to want to continue studying what i want to study?

"..but its not exactly what im interested in"
" right now its not a matter of interest anymore. its a matter of survival. "

..and i got an instant slap back to reality.
as much as i want to deny it, there is truth in that sentence my uncle told me.
so what if im interested in media art? am i going to survive?


"why did you choose to study this course? its hard to find job"
"its hard to succeed in this industry"
"you should have studied __________, not mass comm"

like ftshit man. why wasnt i smart enough to study medicine or some shit like that. why wasnt i interested in something else like engineering or accounting or some shit like that.

i really hope i make it through.. but right now, i cant help but wonder if its worth the risk.

and again,

WHY IS IT SO HARD FOR ME TO WANT TO CONTINUE STUDYING?

can a full scholarship please just fall on my lap? =(
sigh